Publisher subpoenas staff diaries, grounds newsroom
Acting increasingly erratic, L.A. Times boss Eddy Hartenstein forbids reporters from attending Homecoming dance, claims he's being followed and hires stunt doubles to confuse would-be assassins.
By Montgomery Jontorio, Staff Writer
Determined to quash "treasonous" leaks to a local journalism blog, L.A. Times publisher Eddy Hartenstein has grounded the entire newsroom for a month, revoking their TV privileges and forbidding them from going to the Homecoming dance next Friday.

The snowy-haired executive has also subpoenaed reporter diaries as part of an effort to root out disloyal thoughts and behavior among the paper's remaining 18 writers and editors.

Outside the newsroom, Hartenstein recruited a squad of former Green Berets to hunt down and kill the leader of, believed to be hiding in a cave near Encino.

Times staffers said their boss has acted increasingly paranoid in recent weeks, telling aides he's being followed by LAObserved blogger Kevin Roderick – and hiring lookalikes such as Kenny Rogers and Col. Sanders to roam the newsroom in an attempt to foil assassination attempts.

Last week, Hartenstein reportedly drew up plans to surround Times Mirror Square with a moat. "We've got to keep staff memos from falling into outside hands," he told the staff in a memo that promptly fell into outside hands. "These leaks do far more damage than our unending staff cuts,
loony corrections, formulaic writing and questionable news judgment."

Meanwhile, reporters are livid about missing next week's dance, where they were hoping to flirt with a cute boy named Jason and possibly drink beer. "We hate you, we hate you, we hate you," they told Hartenstein after he grounded the newsroom.

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