Mrs. Claus thumps Santa with golf club
after discovering extramarital affairs

Attack occurs as St. Nick backs sleigh out of driveway.
By Clement Moore, Staff writer
Mr. and Mrs. Claus at press conference after the attack
Kris Kringle's wife reportedly bashed him over the head with a 9-iron last night after discovering steamy text messages to a mistress.

Details remained sketchy, but neighbors said Santa was clubbed while trying to back his sleigh out of the driveway around 2:30 a.m. Kringle refused to discuss the matter with North Pole police, but later posted an apology on his website, admitting he had been "naughty, not nice."

Supermarket tabloids jumped on the news, linking Santa to a cocktail waitress, porn stars and a curvaceous 186-year-old elf.

They also released risque text messages in which St. Nick allegedly told his paramours that he wanted to "climb down your chimney, stuff your stocking and make your jingle bells rock all night long."

Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus has reportedly moved out of the couple's North Pole bungalow and bought a $2-million igloo.

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