In a last-ditch effort to derail Barack Obama's White House bid, John McCain unveiled a new economic rescue plan yesterday, urging Americans to protect themselves from financial calamity by panning for gold at Knott's Berry Farm.

"My friends, in these dark times, gold is the only investment that is safe, secure and really shiny," McCain said. "And you can easily obtain it at the authentic sluice box in Knott's Calico Ghost Town."

In response, Obama said McCain was out of touch, and fired back with a stimulus package of his own, pledging to fix the nation's ailing economy by cutting taxes on the middle class and drastically increasing government spending on health care, education, alternative energy, crumbling infrastructure, welfare and $3-million planetarium projectors.

When asked at Wednesday's presidential debate how he would pay for all these programs, Obama said he would order the U.S. Treasury to accept Monopoly money as legal tender.

McCain argued that Obama would waste taxpayer funds, citing the $3-million projector – which Obama sought for Chicago's Adler Planetarium – as a prime example. "I bet you could get the same effect using a flashlight and shadow puppets," McCain said.