Unable to win a bailout as a car company, General Motors transformed itself into a bank today, announcing plans for lavish company retreats in Tahiti and hefty executive bonuses.

The White House responded with a massive infusion of cash for the beleaguered company.

"This is the kind of restructuring plan my administration supports," President Obama said.

Critics swiftly attacked the new bailout, saying GM was still bloated and out of touch. As proof, they pointed to the company's gasoline-powered ATMs, which are as big as yachts and prone to mechanical breakdowns.

"Japanese automatic teller machines are much more efficient," one congressman said. "Plus, nobody needs cup holders and GPS navigation systems while they're withdrawing cash."