White House orders celebrities
to stop dying in threes
President repeals Celebrity Death Rule after it leads to 'inadvertent' demise of megastar Michael Jackson.
By Dawn Tinat, Staff Writer
Kicking the bucket in clusters of three, a popular celebrity pastime in recent decades, was officially outlawed today.
At a White House ceremony attended by Amy Winehouse, Keith Richards and Tracy Morgan, President Obama signed an executive order making back-to-back famous deaths punishable by fines up to $10,000 and/or six months in jail.
"The Celebrity Death Rule was well-intentioned and innovative for its time," Obama said. "But over the years, it has become riddled with problems."
In addition to a confusing formula for determining star status (Ed McMahon, yes; Seeds singer Sky Saxon, no), the rule placed "unfair burdens on the news media, forcing journalists to prepare multiple heartfelt TV and newspaper tributes in a short time period," the president said.
The rule of three was also error-prone.
In an interview with TMZ.com, the Grim Reaper admitted that pop star Michael Jackson's death was inadvertent: "After icing Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, I stopped off at the Beverly Hills Home Depot to pick up a new scythe, then headed toward my last appointment a lunch date with Hugh Hefner. But I got stuck in traffic, realized my shift was ending and panicked. Unfortunately for Michael, he was the nearest megastar on my GPS. What makes it worse is that I totally forgot about killing David Carradine a couple of weeks earlier, which means I didn't even need a third corpse to meet quota. My bad."